“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.