GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Anime is real
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own