Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Plant care tips