Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
There’s only one good girl here!
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
it’s finally my moment to shine
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.