College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
the Monday after daylight savings
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
You had me at “define legal”.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How I’d get arrested…
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”