trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it