Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
You Might Also Like
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.