Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.