Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m giving up ice.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me