No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Clients after you give them your rates
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.