handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent