A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.