Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
He just like my cat fr
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I missed you with all my darts
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.