I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down