Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”