Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.