Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston