“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
NASA has no chill