Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I’m a self-made hundredaire
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”