When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.