MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster