Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My love language is hissing.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer