There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
*puts words between two asterisks*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”