*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.