Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
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a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.