[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
watergate? u mean a dam??
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”