I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper