If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Not even remotely sorry.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.