Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
next question.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.