FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
North and South
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow