I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Feels like the fourth month in January
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Pot warmers of the day.