My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You Might Also Like
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name