Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.