For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This will never not be funny 😭
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything