No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Smooooooth
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Imma just leave this here…………
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?