I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
i baked you a cake
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear