When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Perfect.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL