I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”