How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan