The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
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Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I know this now 😂
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week