me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.