Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’ve been drinking.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?