Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed