[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Me irl
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl