Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*