My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Yup
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
necessity is the mother of invention
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: