[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.