Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I have a type: disappointing
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I need this for my side hustle.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute