I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
me after drinking all the wine:
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES