corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“Sheer Arrogance”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo